by Leslie Lane —
The other day something awful happened to me. I was driving and accidentally cut someone off.
Instead of being slightly annoyed, the other driver was enraged. He opened his window and pulled up to the side of my car and yelled, “Go ahead, FATTY!” His words and tone emitted such hatred that it felt almost criminal. All of the little hairs on my body stood at end as shock coursed through my being.
I almost crumbled. Literally wanting to disappear, I drove forward. In that moment I wished I could
climb into bed and pull the blankets over my head. What he said, in the moment, seemed to confirm
everything about which I have always been afraid. This man, a total stranger, had reduced me to feeling
so shamed that I felt overcome by grief and self hatred. “I am disgusting, so disgusting that everyone who sees me must feel just like him,” I said over and over to myself. I even had a moment where I felt like I’d be better off anorexic again rather than in the body I now live in. I’m embarrassed by that fact, but I will not be a liar…it crossed my mind. God, I felt shattered. I drove home, to ashamed to finish the errand that had brought me out.
The next day, after having slept, I realized that although that man just did the worst possible thing a
person could do to a person with an eating disorder (or to anyone, for that matter)…I was still standing. When the smoke had cleared, I was still alive. I had heard the phrase I most feared, and though I was extremely hurt, I would survive.
It has now been more than a week, and…I’m still ALIVE. Have I forgotten what he said? No. Am I okay
though? Yep. I refuse to let myself fall to pieces over some ignorant and unkind man said. Years ago, a
comment like that would have ruined me, perhaps leading to a relapse. But now? No. Now I choose to
protect my mind and body from going downhill because of something someone else said. I cannot
afford to devote that much time to something that that will always be out of my control: someone
else’s thoughts. I want more for myself; I want recovery.
And yes, it still hurts. And yes, this was a hate crime.
8
